Nightcap #1

I’m in a very strange in-between at the moment. Actually, this happens quite often. It’s when things feel rather sub-par, even though, logically, I know I’m not doing too badly.

I don’t know, it still feels warped to me – this unidentifiable in-between. I suspect I know where it comes from. Bits of lingering dissatisfactions from small social mishaps.

And also, still trying to find my footing of sorts in a couple of affairs. This will pass, right? Right?

To be fair, I’m not always like this – said every other neurotic person. No, but seriously. I just get like this every now and then, and this time when it’s happened, I’ve somehow found the want to broadcast it on a platform that may or may not be used against me (for like, future employment and dateability purposes, of course).

I don’t know. That probably sums up a lot of how I’m feeling right now. I just don’t know. And, I don’t like not knowing. If that makes any sense. Large amounts of unbridled uncertainty derails me a bit sometimes. And I’m not talking about cosmic uncertainty, or the plausibility of life after death. I could spend hours going into that existential wormhole and that’d take me weeks to get out of. So I shift my attention to the stuff that I feel like I have a semblance of control in, at least. If you’re going to do the whole big-picture thing, then I’m really just talking about the smaller, and to a certain extent, trivial stuff.

It also doesn’t help that I’m sleepy, but refuse to sleep because I’m not feeling chirpy enough to will myself to sleep, and that I’ve been nursing a dripping nose and itchy eyes for the last two months since the haze blew in from the big I.

Not that I have a problem with the big I (aside from a couple of perennial stuff). I love their food and a couple of people I respect come from the big I.

I’m not helping myself in any way, it seems.

Anyway, back to not knowing. There are a lot of things I don’t know. I don’t know how to drive, how to milk a cow (properly), how I’d eventually contribute to society on a large scale, in a way that both selflessly allows me to give, while selfishly satisfying my self-purpose quota.

And then there are things that I do know. I know how to comfort a weeping sister, how to cook a fairly delicious meal, and why diamonds are expensive, and depending on who you talk to – valuable (the answer lays between coloured stones with certain chemical properties are rarer [and tightly-controlled by a trade market – your diamond mafia basically], and arguably, smart marketing).

The point is, as someone who depends on her intellect (ugh, buzzkill) for work purposes and to a larger extent – identity, I feel like there’s got to be a balance between knowing and not knowing. So therein lies comfort in not knowing the answers to the universe, while knowing that hey, at least I have my shit together in my universe. Does that make sense? And then when things spill a little out of balance in my universe that I don’t have the answers to (that I want answers to), the balance of not knowing and knowing is tipped, with the former weighing more heavily than the latter.

I don’t know if you got any of that, but in a nutshell, it sucks when I don’t know what I want to know. And this isn’t some entitled rant. I’m comfortable not knowing a lot of things that are either unreasonable for me to be expected to know (the intimate workings of a 3D printer), or are, frankly, none of my business (who you’re seeing [or not seeing anymore]).

Maybe I can attribute it to me not caring, but that’s for another er, ramble.

For now though, I’m actually pretty sleepy, and I have an early thing tomorrow, so I’m just gonna leave you with these (un)wise parting words: Chill. Don’t over think it, lah.